inspired to inspire the world

i’m sorry. i want to tell you that you look great today. i want to say hello. i want to laugh with you. i want to smile at you. i want to hold your hand and say everything is okay. i want to tell you i’m okay. i want to tell you that you are and will always be one of the most important people in my life. i want to tell you that no matter what i’m going to be there for you. i want to tell you that i really fell for you. i want to just tell you i’m digging a huge grave for myself. i just want to tell you that i fell down this grave and i want no one else to save me but you. I want to tell you, but i’m too scared to tell you. I want to tell you all this but I know you aren’t even there to hear me tell you all this…. 

i’m stuck with a feeling of letting go and holding back. i want to let you go but i’m holding myself back. i’m holding the feelings i still have for you. i’m holding the times we spent together. i’m holding onto the memories we shared that i was ever so happy  for. I want to let all that go but I can’t seem to do it. I miss you, i want to be with you. I see you so often, yet we see one another as strangers. the bit of awkwardness we feed off one another, the bit of uneasiness we feel and the sense of uncomfortable emotions we hold as we stand a feet apart, none of that seems to push me away. 

yeah don’t care.

I’ve been pretty MIA to a lot of people. Notice the change in myself. Notice the little things I’m becoming. I don’t necessarily think it’s bad, maybe more like a difference. I know I’ve always been around and been there for a lot of people and I realized I haven’t really thought about myself. Selfish enough, I decided to think about myself. Took some time, well a long time, to myself. Not a lot of people are happy with me, but believe me, I wouldn’t be happy with myself either. I’ve seen a lot of things happen and I’ve seen the distance I’ve created. Is it good? I don’t know. I haven’t even found myself yet. Over the past months, I’m always thinking and thinking and thinking over to myself about the past, present, and future. What could I’ve changed,  what could I’ve done differently, what could I be doing. All these, what could I…. I still haven’t found an answer yet. Took a turn made selfish decisions that not many people are happy about. Ignored texts, ignored plans, ignored people, ignored a lot of people, ignored my own desire to see others. Guess I can say I’m being ignorant. Yeah, it’s my fault, yeah, I’m leaving without an explanation, but at the least I can say, I’m not singling out any one specifically. I think I’m at the  mid-life crisis where I just wish I knew what I’m going to be doing with my life. I’m done with college in less than a month. I’m graduating and I’m not happy. No, that’s a lie, I’m happy I’m gonna be done with school, but I’m not happy that I’ll be leaving to the real world. Seriously, I’m scared. I’m not as fearless as I thought I would be. My friends, my family, I feel like I’m being a huge disappointment. There’s so much I could’ve done, but I’m not. There’s so much I want to do, but I don’t have the power to do it. I’m locked in a limbo where I just want to figure the combination to my life. What’s my success, what’s my motive, what’s my being of being here. I just want to figure this out. But to everyone I’m not around and left. Sorry. 

I just want that peace and quiet. 
I guess I really do prefer to be alone.
Friends are great, but, there comes a point
where all you want is to be with yourself.
I’m not trying to be all emo and all.
I just want my own space. 

I’m tired of dealing with people who don’t help.
I’m tired of people who can clearly make use of themselves but choose not to.
I’m sick and tired of people complaining and whining all the fucking time.
I’m sick and tired of people who just won’t shut the fuck up when they’re being annoying as fuck.
I’m fucking pissed off about the people who think they’re the shit and think things need to be fair when they don’t do jack shit.

going.

it’s okay to deal with it every now and then.
but when you constantly act like an idiot.
then yes. it’s a problem.